On Monday I cycled to the top of Cypress Mountain Resort. It was something I only dreamed of doing last summer, just as I had dreamed of cycling to Grouse and then doing the Grouse Grind. As fate would have it, both these things came true this summer, with an asterisk. I had to do it with my post concussion brain.
As much as it surprises me that I’ve nearly reached the nine month mark, what’s more surprising is how much I think my life has been a stand still. Looking back, I know that cannot be true. Although they feel like a mirage, these past nine months each had their distinct storylines, characters, trials and successes. Of course, the post concussion brain being easily overwhelmed, it’s only natural that I’ve forgotten some of the important moments. Maybe they weren’t the narratives I was intending on writing, but they are important nonetheless.
So without further ado here are some of the important things that have happened or I’ve learned in the past eight months:
It’s easy to beat yourself up for “not trying hard enough”. After the concussion I was still determined to develop my backcountry skiing leadership skills but after just leading one beginner friendly trip it was obvious something was wrong. Then I thought I could continue skiing and overnighting at easier destinations, like Elfin, but again, I was wrong. I took it personally to mean that I was weak willed in some way, but now I realize it’s easy to think of the decisions your injury forces you to make is you. They’re there to protect you, but you you still want to ski, and that’s what’s important.
Gender and sexuality. I am a bisexual genderfluid/nonbinary person and I am never, ever going to ever pretend I’m not ever again.
Six month mark. The amount of life lost that I deemed to be okay. That too, was mental.
It was maybe an assurance that things were going to be okay.
Life becomes what you think. If I think I am the victim, I am. If I think my life is nothing but bad luck, it is. Likewise, if I think I am a writer, an artist, I will become one.