I’m slowly tapering off the medication. It’s taking way longer than I expected – although tapering was easy at first, as I passed the halfway mark, I had to slow down, and again when I reached the next halfway mark, I had to taper even more slowly. This is a lesson I’ve had to learn through trial and error. If I miss a dose while tapering on such a low dosage, I can barely function from the fluctuation of chemicals in my brain. It’s insane to think that I wrote an entry when this all started, and that here I am now, writing a wrap-up. I never thought I’d see this day; I might be counting all my eggs in the basket for all I know. Next term/year I will graduate and I will officially be an adult. The thought isn’t as scary as it once was.
Depression still isn’t a word I like to use. I don’t want to admit how badly it scars me that I’m genderfluid/queer/nonconforming. Dark thoughts about transitioning and being outcasted by my friends and moving through life without a social script threaten to tsunami. On the other hand, I have never been happier embracing my masculine side as well as the feminine one, and reading up about the queer experience and writing it all down. One day I’ll be spokesperson; but today, I suffer in silence, afraid of what opening up would do to my social life.
Anxiety: I’m anxious that people will find out my secret, that I’m not like them. Why am I so scared of that? Because I’m keenly aware that I’m different and that I can fail to pass. “Passing” – a terrifying word in its own right. In my head I fail to pass and I fail miserably. I lose friends and outlaw myself in my mind because of my difference. In reality this probably isn’t true, but the anxiety from it is so bad somedays it becomes social anxiety and I just can’t function. The energy required to pass is too great.
My head still really hurts from missing a dose last night and I feel vulnerable, but I did manage to have some great moments at work today, including a louder-than-life singing party in the company van ride down and fun with using 10 year old beacons with the kids. It’s not easy (nor is it easy for anyone) but it’s slowly coming together. One day I dream of having the life spent purely outdoors that I want and writing for a job…