sexuality, gender and identity follow up

sexuality: feeling “straight”-something I honestly hadn’t felt in my life, I had been checking out girls my entire life-turned out to be the result of birth control. Birth control raises estrogens, among other hormones, a hormone that makes you more feminine. Amongst its effects is a feeling of clinginess and insecurity (a desire to be protected). I’d like to punch my previous post about sexuality, gender and identity in the face. Of course I can’t change that I’m bisexual, gender deviant, or anything. It was just the pill.

gender: once I realized it was the birth control the feeling of being the wrong gender burrowed itself deeper. I was not happy being purely a girl. It felt suffocating and I didn’t know how to act or problem solve with these new instincts (being more clingy, reliant, just feeling this female energy and responding to the world a different way.) So I guess women and men really do think differently. But even if the shift was extremely subtle, it was enough to throw everything off in a way that made me extremely depressed. It was like a nightmare that wouldn’t end; I would have the solution to a problem in my mind and I’d act a different way-the way the female me would-except far worse, because I didn’t know how to marshall these female instincts, whereas I knew how to rein in my more male aggressiveness, competitiveness etc. I am so proud to be gender deviant. Being just a girl, something I used to aspire to, turned out to be suffocating and depressing. Just as being gender deviant would make a gender typical male or female feel a strong sense of dysphoria, so I feel atypical being “normal”. It was empowering to realize I am normal, because a pill that made me feminine did nothing but make me abnormal.

identity: my identity changed those weeks I took the birth control pill and my body/mind responded to the rise and fall of feminine hormones. I changed into an insecure, angry girl and I often didn’t know why I did the things I did. The most remarkable moments might have been when I identified when it gave me mood swings but I couldn’t stop them. I would talk like myself one moment then inevitably fall back into my angry, sad girl persona. It triggered anxiety and depression, not to mention it made me hurt the people I love because Girl Me didn’t know how to be a real, loving person like Normal Me does.

The lesson from all this is something that life has prepared me for, yet I somehow still didn’t recognize it:  it was just like all the times I wished my hair was longer, the massive amount of feminine clothing I bought but never wore, the mental reminders to act more feminine, the dysphoria I always felt wearing makeup…

You have to have long hair, dress feminine, and now take birth control

only if you want to.

The same way a guy can have long hair, dress feminine, only if they want to. 

If you do not feel like a girl, there is no pressure to be a girl, then. Follow whatever gender norms feels best for you. And only then will you be happy.

 

 

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One thought on “sexuality, gender and identity follow up

  1. Jay says:

    “the massive amount of feminine clothing I bought but never wore, the mental reminders to act more feminine, the dysphoria I always felt wearing makeup…” THIS. I’ve owned so many feminine clothes and acted in ways that I wasn’t completely comfortable with simply because that was what was expected of me and I didn’t want to stand out. Since starting to do things that I actually want to do instead of conforming to society’s image of what I should be like I’m so much happier.
    I’m sorry you had such a tough time with the pill changing how you identified and saw yourself, but this post takes that and puts it in a positive light which must have been pretty hard for you to do, well done! 🙂

    Like

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