gender, sexuality, identity

gender: For a moment today I felt 100% like a girl. The moment came upon me unexpectedly, since I had been unhappy about my long hair since it grew out. The recognition came to me while thinking about Mother’s Day and how I once heard that a girl couldn’t respect a man that didn’t love his mother. At that moment, I had to agree. It was a burden to be sexual and female and although girls don’t choose to be female, that burden is theirs to carry. The weight of that realization made me realize how fragile it was to be a woman. In no way did I believe it was easy to be male in society-the weight on their shoulders to be independent and unfeeling is so great-yet it had been a long time since I’d really considered what it meant to be female. I’d been identifying as feeling agender in my mind for quite some time.


sexuality: Slowly this too has been something that’s been slipping my mind; I’ve been in a heteroromantic relationship for three months now. I think of myself less as bi/having gay feelings, having had asexual/aromantic feelings, or forgetting that I’m in a relationship, although they never go away. Having not experienced romantic feelings towards anyone prior to being in a relationship, I pondered what it meant that  I now felt like someone’s girlfriend more often than not. I realized that other people, too, weren’t sure what it meant to be a half of a whole, whatever their orientation was, and how silly I was to have like I was the only one who questioned relationships. Whatever form relationships took, they were hard work and unpredictable. I felt scared and out in my comfort zone, even though it was what I wanted. But what scared me most was that the female-straight side of me was as a part me of me as the agender-single side, as weak as it sometimes felt: I’d never be happy not satisfying that side of me.


identity: Life and identity is one big puzzle that we’re given a life time to solve, and I feel no more closer to seeing the big picture from all the pieces than I was before. But now I see that it’s okay to not understand what it’s all about, because it’s the enjoyment of the journey that counts. No matter if my hair is long or short, if I feel feminine or masculine or agender, or if I never label how I feel ever again or find the perfect label, I will be a puzzle. The pieces have already been given to me and I need all of them to be whole. Maybe one day, one day I’ll see what the picture really was, but for now, I understand that isn’t the point.









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