sexuality, gender and identity follow up

sexuality: feeling “straight”-something I honestly hadn’t felt in my life, I had been checking out girls my entire life-turned out to be the result of birth control. Birth control raises estrogens, among other hormones, a hormone that makes you more feminine. Amongst its effects is a feeling of clinginess and insecurity (a desire to be protected). I’d like to punch my previous post about sexuality, gender and identity in the face. Of course I can’t change that I’m bisexual, gender deviant, or anything. It was just the pill.

gender: once I realized it was the birth control the feeling of being the wrong gender burrowed itself deeper. I was not happy being purely a girl. It felt suffocating and I didn’t know how to act or problem solve with these new instincts (being more clingy, reliant, just feeling this female energy and responding to the world a different way.) So I guess women and men really do think differently. But even if the shift was extremely subtle, it was enough to throw everything off in a way that made me extremely depressed. It was like a nightmare that wouldn’t end; I would have the solution to a problem in my mind and I’d act a different way-the way the female me would-except far worse, because I didn’t know how to marshall these female instincts, whereas I knew how to rein in my more male aggressiveness, competitiveness etc. I am so proud to be gender deviant. Being just a girl, something I used to aspire to, turned out to be suffocating and depressing. Just as being gender deviant would make a gender typical male or female feel a strong sense of dysphoria, so I feel atypical being “normal”. It was empowering to realize I am normal, because a pill that made me feminine did nothing but make me abnormal.

identity: my identity changed those weeks I took the birth control pill and my body/mind responded to the rise and fall of feminine hormones. I changed into an insecure, angry girl and I often didn’t know why I did the things I did. The most remarkable moments might have been when I identified when it gave me mood swings but I couldn’t stop them. I would talk like myself one moment then inevitably fall back into my angry, sad girl persona. It triggered anxiety and depression, not to mention it made me hurt the people I love because Girl Me didn’t know how to be a real, loving person like Normal Me does.

The lesson from all this is something that life has prepared me for, yet I somehow still didn’t recognize it:  it was just like all the times I wished my hair was longer, the massive amount of feminine clothing I bought but never wore, the mental reminders to act more feminine, the dysphoria I always felt wearing makeup…

You have to have long hair, dress feminine, and now take birth control

only if you want to.

The same way a guy can have long hair, dress feminine, only if they want to. 

If you do not feel like a girl, there is no pressure to be a girl, then. Follow whatever gender norms feels best for you. And only then will you be happy.




gender, sexuality, identity

gender: For a moment today I felt 100% like a girl. The moment came upon me unexpectedly, since I had been unhappy about my long hair since it grew out. The recognition came to me while thinking about Mother’s Day and how I once heard that a girl couldn’t respect a man that didn’t love his mother. At that moment, I had to agree. It was a burden to be sexual and female and although girls don’t choose to be female, that burden is theirs to carry. The weight of that realization made me realize how fragile it was to be a woman. In no way did I believe it was easy to be male in society-the weight on their shoulders to be independent and unfeeling is so great-yet it had been a long time since I’d really considered what it meant to be female. I’d been identifying as feeling agender in my mind for quite some time.


sexuality: Slowly this too has been something that’s been slipping my mind; I’ve been in a heteroromantic relationship for three months now. I think of myself less as bi/having gay feelings, having had asexual/aromantic feelings, or forgetting that I’m in a relationship, although they never go away. Having not experienced romantic feelings towards anyone prior to being in a relationship, I pondered what it meant that  I now felt like someone’s girlfriend more often than not. I realized that other people, too, weren’t sure what it meant to be a half of a whole, whatever their orientation was, and how silly I was to have like I was the only one who questioned relationships. Whatever form relationships took, they were hard work and unpredictable. I felt scared and out in my comfort zone, even though it was what I wanted. But what scared me most was that the female-straight side of me was as a part me of me as the agender-single side, as weak as it sometimes felt: I’d never be happy not satisfying that side of me.


identity: Life and identity is one big puzzle that we’re given a life time to solve, and I feel no more closer to seeing the big picture from all the pieces than I was before. But now I see that it’s okay to not understand what it’s all about, because it’s the enjoyment of the journey that counts. No matter if my hair is long or short, if I feel feminine or masculine or agender, or if I never label how I feel ever again or find the perfect label, I will be a puzzle. The pieces have already been given to me and I need all of them to be whole. Maybe one day, one day I’ll see what the picture really was, but for now, I understand that isn’t the point.









It’s been three months since I last had a panic attack, and a year since I had one bad enough to affect me for months thereafter. What I have learned from this is that sometimes simply being present is something to be thankful for.