Sexuality

My boyfriend asked me today, “So you can tell if people are attracted to you now?”
And honestly, the answer is still no. There are days when I understand my attractiveness more. And there are days when I wished that I didn’t, or that I don’t understand at all. My favourite gender feeling is probably when the thought of gender doesn’t pass through my mind at all and I don’t gender myself. And other times feeling fairly female is the most beautiful thing in the world, as a female energy coupled with a beautiful male one.

I don’t even like the word demi-sexuality. I don’t feel half-way anything. I feel pretty much asexual when not aroused or around my boyfriend. I recently had a sexual dream where I could tell if I was being sexually desired and quite honestly, it was the most frightening and disgusting thing on earth. Being desired only feels nice when it’s in good fun or with my partner. I never, ever want to feel full on sexuality every all day. I’m horny enough as it is. My sexuality is a function of my love; my love is a not a function of my sexuality. Or it is, but it can’t be defined the way it is traditionally defined and valued. It’s something I couldn’t live without with my partner, but outside of my partner, I live without it. I feel empty for it only because I desire my partner. I don’t desire or feel sex or romance outside of him. At the same time, my world isn’t some prude black and white landscape of boredom. It’s very much vibrant and lush with desire and sexual thought and aesthetic attraction and platonic attraction, just not sexual or romantic attraction strong enough to result in fantasy and much less action. It’s there, just not active all the time like it is for allosexual and alloromantic people, and that’s kind of beautiful. For all the hurt and depression I’ve felt as a weird person for it, for all the words I’ve been called or judgements on faces I’ve seen for my inability to interpret sexual or romantic cues, I wouldn’t trade this kind of love or blindness for anything. To me, it’s more of an extra-sight, the ability to love infinitely more inexplicably and infinitely more deeply than I can understand. No love shall be valued over any other kind of love. My sexual love is no different from my asexual or platonic love. I am who I am. You are who you are. I value that.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Sexuality

  1. Jay says:

    “F0r all the hurt and depression I’ve felt as a weird person for it, for all the words I’ve been called or judgements on faces I’ve seen for my inability to interpret sexual or romantic cues, I wouldn’t trade this kind of love or blindness for anything. To me, it’s more of an extra-sight, the ability to love infinitely more inexplicably and infinitely more deeply than I can understand.”
    This is so beautifully worded and perfectly captures how I feel about this too. I love it so much, thank you for writing this post!
    It’s definitely not blindness, its just seeing things from a different perspective than most people.
    All love and people should be valued in the same way, but I think its easier to say that from ‘the outside’ as it were, if that makes sense? We are who we are, and we feel what we feel.

    Like

  2. wrider says:

    Agreed! It is “easier” I think to see it from the outside. My friends are concerned if they don’t measure up sexually or romantically, whereas from the outside we can see that even if we don’t have sex or romance, we lead perfectly fulfilling lives. 😀 (I swore I’d shoot for a QPR with a male and a female in my aromantic asexual fantasies so I could have best buddies in both realms, but in a genderless kind of way HAHA).

    Like

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