My boyfriend asked me today, “So you can tell if people are attracted to you now?”
And honestly, the answer is still no. There are days when I understand my attractiveness more. And there are days when I wished that I didn’t, or that I don’t understand at all. My favourite gender feeling is probably when the thought of gender doesn’t pass through my mind at all and I don’t gender myself. And other times feeling fairly female is the most beautiful thing in the world, as a female energy coupled with a beautiful male one.
I don’t even like the word demi-sexuality. I don’t feel half-way anything. I feel pretty much asexual when not aroused or around my boyfriend. I recently had a sexual dream where I could tell if I was being sexually desired and quite honestly, it was the most frightening and disgusting thing on earth. Being desired only feels nice when it’s in good fun or with my partner. I never, ever want to feel full on sexuality every all day. I’m horny enough as it is. My sexuality is a function of my love; my love is a not a function of my sexuality. Or it is, but it can’t be defined the way it is traditionally defined and valued. It’s something I couldn’t live without with my partner, but outside of my partner, I live without it. I feel empty for it only because I desire my partner. I don’t desire or feel sex or romance outside of him. At the same time, my world isn’t some prude black and white landscape of boredom. It’s very much vibrant and lush with desire and sexual thought and aesthetic attraction and platonic attraction, just not sexual or romantic attraction strong enough to result in fantasy and much less action. It’s there, just not active all the time like it is for allosexual and alloromantic people, and that’s kind of beautiful. For all the hurt and depression I’ve felt as a weird person for it, for all the words I’ve been called or judgements on faces I’ve seen for my inability to interpret sexual or romantic cues, I wouldn’t trade this kind of love or blindness for anything. To me, it’s more of an extra-sight, the ability to love infinitely more inexplicably and infinitely more deeply than I can understand. No love shall be valued over any other kind of love. My sexual love is no different from my asexual or platonic love. I am who I am. You are who you are. I value that.