It’s time to let the sleeping dogs lie.
I’m not sure what resulted in it, but last year, instead of wanting to go new places, I just wanted to revisit the ones that personally challenged me. My brain wasn’t at peace. I wanted to sleep easy at night.
Like a smattering of rainbow coloured rocks, my mind was all over the place, yet stagnant in one spot. I thought I might make progress, but really I wanted stunting myself. I was afraid, even though in my mind the mantra was face your fears. I was not facing my fears. My fears were that I wouldn’t be capable of tackling new stuff if I had already fallen behind on the stuff I’d already attempted. I had shortcoming I had to make up for. In that way I lost sight of myself.
Still, the mind is a world as well as a galaxy. It couldn’t exist undisturbed in its own microcosm forever. My cousin came over. I realized how boring it was when I showed her around the same places I’d been, to always stick to the same place. Two weeks ago when I led a group of people to Elfin Lakes who were there for their first time, I felt the heaviness of being the only one who had already been there 4 or so times. There was newness waiting for me as it was waiting for them. Why didn’t I go get it? What was the point of capturing a moment that had already happened and I have already become accustomed too, other than out of fear?
Yes, I have anxiety; anxiety is not an excuse. I have the medicine to save me, and that medicine is action, courage. Who would I be to sit there, suffering, when the medicine is right next to me? Without belittling how hard it can be, I acknowledge how hard it is for everyone all the time to try new things.Hard is normal. Fear is normal. Paralyzing fear of any hardship is not normal. This is what anxiety is and although people might look at my multiple trips to Elfin and say, Wow, persistence, it’s more like Wow, time to move on. And it is. It is time to move on.
We found our way to Opal Cone, played Cards Against Humanities with 10 people, drooled when we saw mountain bikers come up, and saw the sunrise. Everybody brought drinks and shared chocolate and dinners, even though it wasn’t in the trip agenda and by the end of the night it had all disappeared. Only one person froze from an inadequate sleeping bag. It was too cushy of a campsite is my only real complaint. Seriously. That might be my problem. Not being very fit but finding accessible campgrounds too cushy. I need the wild.
Thanks to all the amazing people that made this trip a big one.