Attraction makes fools even the best of us.
I was high on life, the day after my birthday, snowboarding with two guys I had just met. One was a dad already, but one was around my age. And he was offering me beer that he had stashed in the snow. But I still said no.
Offered beer, offered water. I should have taken it. Dam, I felt stupid for saying no. I’d drink it just because it touched a guy’s lips. And I spent the entire day with him thinking he should want to hang out with the other guy instead, but he turned out to have a sunny disposition. I was just afraid of him because of the beer.
Why did I say no? “Ice cold beer.” “Ice cold water!” he smiled as he pulled it out of the snow he’d packed it in at the start of the run. A few other bottles in the snow attested to the widespread desire for cold drinks. Actually, I was so thirsty. But I said no. He was still a stranger. He drank beer. I thought some other things about him but that’s my fault; I thought he was someone else and I had stalked the wrong person’s facebook profile. Beer and pictures with snakes were my impression of him; I was so turned off.
I struggled to fit this picture of him smiling self absorbedly into a camera with a snake around his body as he said he was studying english in canada, originally hailing from Brazil. I struggled to find the joy to keep riding with someone I already had developed a distaste for.
Then when I finally got home and realized he was not whom I thought he was, I felt repentant. He was a graphic artist, sky diver, a lot like me actually. And he was nice, smiling and willing to encourage a girl trying to learn a new trick. I can see that some guys would be too self absorbed in their own attempts to care what a girl does. Or even belittle them. Or maybe that’s just my own fears, once again impeding me.
The more a guy is like me though, the more I fear him. I’m afraid of myself, and I’m even more afraid that anyone might be like me. Because I make the wrong assumptions. Because I fear things on principle, because I fear people.
Because I fear.