No Trips Makes…What?

IMAG5223despite not camping for a month now, i am weirdly not the person i was before. it only took some camping trips over winter break, but i shall never underestimate the power of one single experience in altering the course of your mindset. even life.

Hesitantly, I’m easing back into reading and writing.

Yeah, I wasn’t a fan of reading or writing (anything other than non fiction that is). I could definitely continue recording things in creative non fiction, but the creation of fictional stories? I started to write a post about how creative writing was absolutely uninteresting to me anymore but deleted it, because, writing it in itself was a form of creative writing. Eager to live first, live fullest as long as possible, before writing. Writing felt like stagnation. Writing felt like living second hand. >sorry pen and paper…

>What did you value

i valued recording experiences. i valued doing cool things. i valued doing oft talked about things. i valued not being more knowledgable but reckless. these are all proven wrong and i am happy. it’s good i thought the wrong things: it led to others things. things like how i have never done any stereotypical camping things (campfire, campfire songs, flipflops, etc) they’re not cool because the activities are rated cool by other people, but because they make you rely on yourself and on others, and confidence is a good feeling. i no longer mind recording experiences so much. i want to go back. i take pictures for others to see, but more often then not i take too little, in hopes of getting them to come with me. just enough to convince. just enough to make them want a little harder.

>How are you different

I felt alienated by the way there were so many couples camping. I didn’t want to witness their ever present love, nor did I understand it. Back at home, I can see it now, the endless affection from slathering love the way humans were meant to, after the long stretches of hiking, where affection is repressed. this forms me, the way i first didn’t understand when I saw it, supposedly inherited by birth, the dichotomy of tough/caring. it’s not a matter of form becoming function, it IS the function. i like that I am a hardass, not a badass, but i like the hardass, because it’s no fun after a while and inevitably you get quite affectionate–>it’s like sleep, if you miss it, it catches up to you, but ever stronger. It stacks. not badass or machine–>saccharine but natural, useful cycle of hardass/passive–>active/loving. I think I might understand that love now.

i no longer really get why people own things. things are transient. things break. gear should not break, but all those little trinkets that i loved don’t really make sense. they are extra weight, very pretty, but won’t I lose all of them? I won’t be so sad when I lose them now. except a few things, everyone needs that photo of their family with them or souvenir that their friend gave them.

>sometimes I’m afraid I’m a harder hardass than i think and i don’t really like reading or writing or art…but those things are why i like being a hardass…however, being a hardass and being affectionate are not mutually exclusive, that’s the main thing of what i learned, so i could live forever as a hardass, if that’s what i’m meant to be…if i am meant to be anything but a pushover daughter with no specific talents

>backcountry mindset. alpine attitude. two different things, pulls me apart. the writer side of me loves alpine: the precision, the controlled environment for creativity. the other side of me loves non fiction, lack of certainty and control,

i expect to find love outdoors. i expect to find forgiveness outdoors. and wisdom. so i read in an outdoors magazine that sadly simply relying on yourself and others outside does not make you a better human being-you can still go outside for all the wrong reasons, especially bravado or anger or sadness-and you would be no better off sitting at home. in that news story, the guy led to people being killed because he was too proud to tell them there was avalanche danger. he admitted that the event changed his life, made me reevaluate WHY he goes outdoors. well, because he thinks he’s invincible from life’s struggles. that he can deal with anything, especially emotional things, better if he can ski 100 miles or climb 1000m.

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