Uncertainty

And I’m feeling like this:

Who am I?

What have I just done, buying another Cypress season pass?

Have I changed, or am I just believing my lies to avoid the horrible pain of being frowned upon, forbidden to do “what I love”, be ridiculed-am I sure of myself, or am I not?

I’ve always thought of myself as someone who was sure but recently my world has quite expanded, as I’m sure it will continue to from now on. Complicated not just by money but now by experience, I have no idea who on earth I could be. Perhaps I am no one yet, because I have had really, so little to base my life on. University years have certainly been an eye opening experience for me. My love for the written word and reading harder texts is growing; I haven’t enjoyed a single creative writing class and perhaps that isn’t for me-I’ve always had a rational slant and non fiction feeds that, maybe it’s not science that I want but non fiction and pretty prose-all I know is, the more I want to love my family and the more critical reading I do, the more I conform and at the same time rebel against popular texts.

I don’t want to have a good board, I want to wear crappy gear, and I want to be able to focus single handedly on the pleasure of hitting a feature.

But I haven’t ridden my bike in since the summer, so I haven’t felt the itch to “jib” and at the moment it sounds like too much time and energy to me. But I’ve always loved the mental pleasure of it.

But how much of time do I have, when this studying is all-consuming? Am I just giving it too much of me, like I always do?

Or am I afraid to take risks and devote myself?  Both sound true.

Beyond that, I want to be in the human-powered outdoors so bad. I’m afraid of status-symbol riddled places; at the same time I see the only authentic status of oneself is in situations where you only have yourself and others to rely on.

I wanted to see the salmon run, but I never did; I wanted to see nature, life; but all I did was hike, like a robot, a handful of times, because it was safe and I wouldn’t even get off the couch if no one was leading me. I want to see life, guided by people who deeply care about it but all I saw was the sweaty backs of well meaning people I never got to connect deeply enough with. But that was enough; I wanted to connect with people outdoors, all the time, everywhere, anytime.

I also love to just sit there and absorb information that way. This is the most conductive attitude towards my academic standing. It’s hard for me, right now, devoting so much energy to psyching myself up for the scary novelty of being out of my comfort zone, to switch back and forth between mind frames. That is I either crave safety and reading or throw caution to the wind and indulge in some discomforting and exhilarating activity.

I could go any way; which way will I go? Is school+inevitably my reputation most important (I do not like being a bad student)? Is being ‘true to myself’ most important (I have always loved and dreamed of doing this sort of stuff, but not having done much, I am not sure if it is essential, because I can be both extremely still and unable to sit down) ?

I have no idea who I am anymore, and the only comfort I take is in interacting with other (new) people, in the process learning more about who I am. I, the introvert, love to be with people. Who the hell am I seriously?

Nov something

***

Either all of this is true, or I’m just overly tired, which I am. I’ve reached a new level of sleep deprivation, and if it’s possible to feel worse and still function, I don’t want to know…It’s nearly 2015 and after a year of this lack of sleep, I’ve definitely got to make it a top priority to sleep early before 2015. Just for something concrete.

Recently, I’ve made friends with two girly girls. They’re type A and beauty and fashion obsessed but not verbal about it. They just have a profession air about them, girly but not dainty, pretty but not self consciously so. I guess this is the type of friend I’ve always made in high school. They also happen to have some asian ness in them, but not act asian. This was the type of person I used to be, too.

This is the type of person I rejected entering university. I had, what I didn’t know to be, i think, serious issues about how society perceived me. Personal ones-I don’t think I really want to look like a boy or act like one; I’ve just gotten in so much trouble in the past for being girly and being denied the western norms of being a girl that I’ve likened my self perception to that of a unisex, unsexable being. I couldn’t sleep at night thinking about it and I watched videos of youtube accounts of transgendered people-I could identify with them, to a degree. More girly than I ever have been in three years, I’m scared for snowboarding. Fact: guys who lift weights in a pink room lift less. How will this change me? How do I get over this? I have no idea. Being around people who don’t think of this issue certainly helps. But in the end, I need to find out why I really feel this way-if it’s shame, then I have to undo it-if it’s something else, well, dude, be yourself, it hurts undeniably to fake being something else.

Being girly does not being an airhead, or fashion freak, or a hopeless romantic. Being girly means just being comfortable you.

I’m pretty sure I’m just a girl who’s scared of being a girl. And being a snowboarder is a great disguise. But sooner rather than later I feel those hormones coming on, and I don’t want to be mistaken for a boy. I can wear my short things and be self respecting too. I want to own my sexuality. But I’m scared. It was, in my teens, not okay to do so. I feel so ashamed when people compliment me on my long hair and if I am told I look somewhat preferable, I hunch my shoulders and ruin my walk so I am definitely not; I feel incredibly horrible inside, like I want to distance myself from these once undesirable female traits. If I dress like a boy, it must be out of my own will, and not because I’m ashamed or coolly defiant. I’m not. For all my talk, I’m just scared, and I want to love just like anybody else.

For now, I have a few crowds that are good for me. I’m not a that much of a tomboy to them. I’ve got nail polish on right now, and I accept the idea of wearing a dress. I like to think I like to be called pretty, instead of just smiling when I’m called tough or crazy. I hope that by next year none of this will be out of the ordinary. I do better in school when I act like a normal, self respecting smart girl who is proud of her femininity. I do worse when I think I am a nearly-boyish failure of a daughter that nobody could possibly like.

I do not have problems in my life really: my biggest problem is just being obvious to the fact that my actions are out of character. Until I saw more of how other girls acted, I didn’t really realize how odd I was. I can acknowledge, change, forgive, and move on.

And I’m afraid, even though the hill-as the classes-are full of boys, I will just be one of them. Again. I do not want that.

I think.

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