The Bearded Man With the Green Honky

Old Man with the Green Honky

The bus is undeniably a place of judgement. Every time someone’s eye sweeps over you, you can be sure you’re being judged, even if when you do it you’re just giving your eyes a good old roll-about. You’re no good at it of course. People are either business men, children, or weird. There seems to be an abundance of weird people on the bus-maybe busses are weird people’s favourite mode of transportation? That girl with bright pink lipstick and hacked away hair. Well, at least she’s interesting to look at. You wonder what demons in her consciousness convened to create such a notion. Then your head jerks, and it’s time for you to go to sleep.
Sound familiar? It probably happens to you everyday monday to friday, or it feels like it happens to you monday to friday, even if you only take the bus the last day of every month to visit your parents. But that’s not what happens today. Your head homes onto its customary spot on your shoulder (shoulders stick out from your body so you can rest your head on them. It’s true.) and snuggles in, like a pigeon into its nest…
And it’s interrupted! Drat! Because out of the monotony a honk blares from some unseen corner of the bus. No, something that shrill has to be a squeak. It sounds like a giant stepped on a squeaky toy, partially because it shatters your midday reveries and partly because you still have no idea where it came from. And then you finally look where everyone tries not to look on the bus, in fear of being called a stalker. You look straight ahead. And there it is. It’s the last thing you expect. The squeak emitted from a green horn. The green horn was attached to a handlebar. The handlebar was attached to a bike. And the bike was attached to an old man!
All eyes sticker onto this man. (He had a beard. He meant serious business.) He’s only in conversation with the young man across from him (PHOTO: red pants), but everyone’s eyes make conversation, too (if everyone staring at the same thing without staring even once at each other can be considered conversation). Is the bike attached to the man, or is the man attached to the bike? Was there ever a worse time to ponder the greatest of seven wonders, grammar? The effort of figuring this out can be seen in the bulge of everyone’s (avoidant) eyes. Golly, most people on this bus know sounds emit from electronic devices, not hand-held green plastic doohickeys. Is he engaging in a phone-ringtone show off? Sending or receiving SMS, which his tires then write in morse code on the ground? The man he’s honking it at is dancing on his feet. Pretty soon someone will have to call the ambulance for asphyxiation by laughter. The man wasn’t just honking his horn. He was honking it deliberately. Like a wolf springing just short of his elk prey until the poor animal is run down, the man honks as if he has innate knowledge of the tides of his laughter. That’s not all. No one else on the bus laughed aloud, but it was as if he could read each and every one of our minds. He honked his mini green bike horn every time one of us laughed inside. It was magic I tell you! With one honk he had everyone awake.

The hilarity of the moment climaxed and declined. It was just an old man and a cheap plastic horn that his grandchild probably gave him for his 70th birthday for surviving that long despite his parent’s continuous attempts to snuff him out with unabated arguments. It was really funny-who would’ve known? but for those who’ve dealt with younger, very naive children play with rubber duckies, well, it was as if that annoying spirit had been transmuted to a larger more ungainly form and come back to haunt you. Eventually the man reaches his spot and giving one last light hearted SQUEAK! carted his gallant stead off the bus, leaving a trail of fairy dust.
Some people went back to sleep, but not me. Sensing a chance for a few cents, I snapped this photo before he left (Sorry about the butt, if it makes you feel better, you can take a picture of mine anytime-I can squat 2X my body weight everyday, although I eat 3X my body weight in food everyday, too) and immediately uploaded to my nuckeriter bro’s. They all agreed this made a great story. So we hijacked this production, the only one we were able to hijack without getting arrest warnings.
We hoped you enjoyed this story.


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